You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
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