Ambien. No doubt about it.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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