I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize