I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
