Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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