I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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