I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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