can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
