Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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