I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize