ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
What did we do last night that was yellow?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
