Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
