well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
well most of my day revolves around power hour
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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