Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
