he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
