you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
