my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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