I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
