I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
