Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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