last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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