I cut my penus on the lid.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
