god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
