I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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