Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
