I am puke
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
