My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
