Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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