btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
