walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
