it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
