Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
