So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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