So drunk its hurt
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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