He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
