My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
