so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
