I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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