Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
