I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
