like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Two words: nipple clamps
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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