You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
