saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
