So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
