Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
