i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
