Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
