bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize