sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
