Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
