I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
