i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
