I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
