So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Randomize
